Raising Alice
by jezzeria
Summary: After losing Bella during childbirth, Edward finds himself alone and grieving. He is left to raise their newborn daughter, Alice. Will Edward be able to heal himself and be the best father possible for Alice? A story about the bonds of a parent and a child.
1. Prologue

**I don't normally do more than one work in progress at a time but this story has been nothing if not persistent. My main priority is still finishing Divorce of the Century and its companion piece, but don't be surprised if this updates in the in-betweens. **

**Stephenie Meyers is still the twilight goddess.**

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EPOV

Prologue

My dearest Bella, it has been two agonizingly long months since you were taken from me. Two months since our angel Alice was born. When I think that two months and one day ago you were beside me with the whole world at our feet it takes my breath away.

My mom and Rose have been helping me with Alice. Would you be angry with me to know that I have hardly spent any time with her? She looks so much like you that sometimes I cannot even bear to stand to look at her. That makes me a despicable creature, I know, but at the same time I am too bitter and hurt to care. You should be here with me helping to raise Alice.

Everyone has been so kind, checking on me to make sure I am okay. They are all so forgiving of me for neglecting our daughter, but somehow I know it would upset you. Don't worry because Rose informed me today that she would help me get a hang of things but that I needed to start taking care of my responsibilities.

I couldn't agree more but at the same time I am feeling a million other emotions. I am angry; angry that you were taken from us so soon, angry that Alice will never see your smile, angry with you for leaving me to do this on my own. I feel ashamed that I have abandoned our daughter when she needed me the most. Which brings me to my strongest emotion right now; fear. What if I am a bad father?

You were supposed to be here to guide me through this. To laugh when I am doing it wrong and lovingly correct me, and praise me when I am doing it right. I feel childish and selfish when I think that, but it was the plan. The plan that was ripped away from me and I have no backup.

Tonight when Alice began to cry, Rose pushed me to hold her. I was afraid I may drop her. Or what if I were to look into her face and hate her knowing that she had taken you away?

The moment she was in my arms she stopped crying and something inside of me changed. Looking down at her I found her staring right back up at me. I have to tell you, Bella, her eyes are large and dark, just like yours. They told me that they could still change, but I am hoping that they never do because it is like I am staring into your eyes still.

Do you know what I saw when I looked into those deep dark eyes? Sadness. A deep sadness that nobody, especially our two month old child should have to know. It was than I realized that I am not the only one who misses you Bella.

She misses the reassuring sound of her mommy's heartbeat. I know because she nuzzled close to my bare chest, but when my heartbeat didn't match yours she gave a sigh of discontent. Even at such a young age she knows that you didn't leave her willingly.

It breaks my heart to know that she has been hurting also, but I am going to fix it, my love. For you. For me. For Alice I am going to strive to do everything I can to give her what she needs. My heartbeat may never sing to her as yours did, but I will do my best to be the next best thing so that she knows that she is still safe and loved.

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**Just a short prologue for now, I promise the rest of the chapters will be longer.**

**Also at the moment I have no plans for Edward to move on since I pretty much do ExB, but my characters tell the story so you never know what may happen. Although the main purpose of this story is the show the loving bond between a parent and a child which I find beautiful and amazing as I am raising my own daughter. **


	2. Neverending

**Edward is going to tell the story talking to Bella, as far as I'm aware he isn't writing to her in a journal or anything just spending some quality time with his wife mentally. And remember Edward is new at this so cut him some slack, I know he is doing some of it wrong.**

**Warning: there is talk of infants and things infants do plus some unfortunate events for Edward (you know: burping, pooping, etc) so if this bothers you...well you probably shouldn't read the entire story. lol.**

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EPOV

Today was the most trying day in my entire life.

Raising a baby was harder than I could have ever imagined. On a good day Alice wakes up every 3 or 4 hours to eat and needs a diaper change every 2 hours. When we read the books about this, preparing for her to come it had all sounded so cut and dry. Babies need to eat, babies don't like to be dirty, babies like to be held and wrapped tightly.

It takes a good 10-15 minutes to make a bottle, what with mixing the formula and heating it to the right temperature. Don't forget another 5-10 minutes to burp the baby which doesn't allow time to clean any spit up from your shoulder, or arm. To change a diaper can take another 5-10 minutes to unwrap, wipe, put on diaper cream if needed, and then rewrap. After all of that if you swaddle your baby you should have a blissfully sleeping child.

What I want to know is who the hell writes these books?

It always takes me much longer to make a bottle, I suppose because I am still new to the whole process but it is either too cold or there is an inevitable hot spot in the formula and I have to wait for it to cool. By that point Alice is raving mad, her face red from her crying. I also discovered she is picky about the nipple she has on her bottle, which lead to about a day and a half of her refusing to eat and crying profusely while I frantically tried everything short of taking her to the hospital to figure out what was wrong.

Boy is she stubborn when it comes to burping. I could pat her back for what feels like hours, rub it, place her on my knee, bounce her up and down, and it seems that the moment I stop moving for a minute to rest my hand she will burp. She may just be stubborn, but I feel as though I'm doing it all wrong.

Diaper changes are fairly easy. Well that was until today.

Alice woke up only an hour after her last bottle feeding so my natural instinct was to change her. When that didn't work I wondered if maybe she hadn't burped enough so I began patting her back and trying, in my worst singing voice possible, to sing her to sleep. My singing seemed to only make it worse and at this point she was screaming her head off.

I went to heat up a bottle for her, leaving her in the middle of our bed surrounded by pillows. Sticking her bottle into the fridge I squinted to see the time: 3:54am. I rubbed my fingers over my eyes trying to get the sleep out of them enough to pay attention when I heard a crashing noise. My heart stopped and I don't know how but the next thing I knew I was in our room beside the bed.

Alice was still nestled into the pillows I had surrounded her with, wailing diligently while she waved her arms and legs around. Sighing I hurried back to the kitchen and yanked open the microwave door to find it empty. Had I already grabbed the bottle out?

Dashing back into our room I looked around at the night stands to see no bottle, but I did catch a glimpse to see that a picture had fallen off the wall by our dresser. My heart clenched seeing the glass cracked across your beautiful face, but Alice's incessant crying didn't leave me time to dwell on it.

Rushing back into the kitchen I pulled open the microwave door again, examining it like it had somehow eaten the bottle; it was still empty. Slamming it shut I began searching the countertops, and even going into the living room although I knew I hadn't been in there at all. Where the hell does a bottle disappear to?

Going back into the kitchen I began yanking open cabinet doors, but not finding anything but dishes. I growled in frustration, my nerves on edge with Alice screaming in our room and my lack of sleep. Tears began to well in my eyes again and I felt myself nearing hysteria. Grabbing the fridge handle I tore the door open in one last attempt only to be met with that damned bottle staring back at me.

"Shit," I mumbled, making sure to stick it in the microwave this time. I shook it gently, checking it against my wrist to make sure it wasn't too hot.

"Sorry baby girl," I murmured, holding her tightly in my arms rocking her while she greedily sucked on the bottle. Sitting back against my pillows, Alice and I must have dozed off together because the next thing I knew she was crying again still in my arms.

Glancing over at the clock by the bed I noted that it was only 4:33am. We had slept for all of 30 minutes even though it oddly felt like it had been closer to almost two hours. Cradling her neck in my hand I patted her back until she burped. It wasn't long before she was fast asleep again. Tucking her close to my chest I scooted down, hoping to get some sort of sleep.

Alice's wailing once again woke me and I felt like I could cry from my exhaustion, except that I was too tired to do even that. 5:42am. Tonight felt like it was never ending.

I unwrapped Alice to find that she had a wet diaper. In a lapse of judgement I realized that her diapers were 5 feet away by her crib. Figuring she would be fine, I left her naked with no diaper on her receiving blanket to grab one. Turning around for one moment I reached for the tiny diaper to turn back around to find a mustard colored substance being emitted from my child. Realization hit me as I rushed over.

"No, no, no," I chanted like she would somehow know what I meant and stop it.

My first instinct was to push the diaper over her in an attempt to catch it, only to realize I hadn't opened the diaper and had just ruined one by doing so. Throwing it into the trash I had just for diapers I grabbed another one from her bag with another receiving blanket. Making sure she was done I bundled up the receiving blanket pushing it to the side as I cleaned up Alice and put a fresh diaper on her.

I tried to swaddle her in the new receiving blanket but it was literally, new, and had never been used before so it wasn't as pliable as the one I had been using before. Multiple attempts were making Alice frustrated and soon she was sobbing and so was I.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed, rocking her back and forth. It wasn't until I realized that she was quiet that I looked down. We were skin to skin since I hadn't put a new onesie on her, her chubby little cheek pressed up against my chest making her lips form a tiny 'o' shape when I heard the first tiny snore escape her. My body continued to shake from tears, but now they weren't from frustration.

My heartbeat had lulled her to sleep.

Bella, I am sure you are laughing at what happened because as I am retelling it, the story sounds much funnier then it was at the time with so little sleep. But Bella I just want to tell you in that moment of extreme frustration and exasperation seeing that I could be what she needed even though I wasn't you made it all entirely worth it. It makes me think that maybe I can be a good father to her afterall.

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**Alright mommy's you know you've ALL had times like this, that night that just never seems to end for whatever reason and then they do something oh so cute and you know you'd do it all over again (and we have) just to have a moment like that again. **


	3. Bittersweet

**I was a little surprised at the response to this story right away. Thank you all so much for your support. It appears some chapters will be longer and some a bit shorter, such is life hopefully you all don't mind!**

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Oh Bella, the most amazing thing happened today!

I was laying in bed, half asleep since deep sleep is no longer an option, when I heard Alice begin to wake up. Instead of crying, though, I heard soft cooing. You know I never understood why they called it cooing until I heard it for myself. It's not quite enough sound to be constituted as babbling but enough sound to make sweet little humming noises.

Somehow I managed to sneak out of bed without drawing attention to myself. Crossing the floor I paused when a loud creek emitted from the wood beneath me. Alice didn't falter though and I smiled quickly closing the gap between myself and her crib. Peeking over the edge of the crib I felt my heart still at the sight before me.

Alice was pumping her legs fervently still making those cute little noises. Her arms flailed around her and I found myself biting my lip like you so often did worrying that she may hit herself in the face. Suddenly she spotted me. Her face broke into a huge grin and I'm pretty sure I completely melted at the sight.

She is so beautiful, Bella, it takes my breath away.

Somehow she has inherited the dimples from Emmett, and her skin is going to be fair like yours. Put that together with her dark eyes and she is beyond amazing. She really doesn't have any hair yet, but I am excited to see what color it ends up. I can already tell I'm going to be in trouble when she gets into high school.

It was such an amazing moment but I found an ache in my heart that I couldn't quite place. I called my mom and Rose to tell them the news, of course they rushed over right away to see if they could get her to smile at them. Leaning against my door frame I watched them interacting on the couch.

I couldn't help but to imagine how different everything would have been had you still been here.

I imagine you would have been breastfeeding her like you always talked about. Instead of running around to make bottles we would nestle Alice between the two of us. While you fed her I would get the diaper and wipes ready to change her.

You would hold her close to your bare skin, patting her back lightly as her cheek rested up against _your_ chest instead of mine. Alice would fall asleep listening to the soft beat of your heart while I would gaze at you two lovingly as you slept, silently thanking you for giving me such a precious gift before holding my two favorite girls close to me.

And this morning I would've woken up before you, pulling you close to me to spend a little time just the two of us before a hectic day of diapers and feedings. You would hear the soft cooing and bite your bottom lip as though to apologize for our time being interrupted. I would laugh at you so eager to get to Alice and smack your butt playfully when you jumped out of bed. You of course would swat at my hand, looking back at me with a finger to your lips telling me not to ruin your moment. I would listen, because when it came to you I could never deny you anything.

I can see you peeking over the crib the same way that I did this morning. It's almost like I can hear you gasp in shock when Alice smiles at you, completely dazzling you. You would wave me over whispering to bring the camera. After tiptoeing over to you I would peer over at Alice myself, thinking I was sly. Of course she would notice me there next to you and grin up at us both. She would be elated to see her mommy and daddy and I imagine even more coos coming from her while she thrashed around wildly.

Her first smiling picture would be whitewashed and Alice would have blinked in surprise, her expression sour and confused after. You would laugh before picking Alice up, holding her close to you making the sour expression on her face disappear while you whisper a sweet "I love you" in her ear. Kissing Alice's cheek I would show you the picture making you laugh out loud at the image in the view finder but it would go in her scrapbook anyway because we can still tell shes smiling and the fond memory will never be forgotten.

But instead I am alone. I don't even know if where you are now you were able to see Alice's first smile. Instead I witnessed it alone with no bad picture and a lump in my throat. This should have been one of the best days in my life of many more to come.

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After my mom and Rose left today I found myself not wanting to let go of Alice. Thankfully she didn't mind and seemed to feel the same way. We spent most of the day lounging in the rocker. I was shirtless, and Alice spent much of her time asleep on my chest, her drool tickling me slightly.

Did you know that she snores? I never thought I would find snoring so entirely adorable or enrapturing. With all the scary things we read about SIDS, I find myself grateful. Because as long as she's snoring loudly I know that she's still breathing.

Watching her face I tried so hard to cheer up. To be more excited about her first smile. Maybe in time it will be easier to a see a smile that looks so much like yours and not hurt knowing you're not here to witness it with me.

Sometimes I find myself running my thumb lightly over Alice's cheek. Her skin is so soft, and I am once again in aw at how so precious and vulnerable she is. In these moments I feel my heart clench.

I wonder if Charlie ever sat with you like this. Did he look at you and see so many possibilities? Did he imagine you dancing like a ballerina, or being a doctor? Did he vow to love you no matter what you did in your life or the decisions you made?

I can't even imagine the pain he must have felt at losing you. When I try to imagine it I find myself already shutting down. Maybe it's because I'm already in too fragile of a mindset to think about, but I can't imagine wanting to live for anything without Alice.

Maybe I'll call him tomorrow. He hasn't really seen Alice, although he calls often to check up on us. I imagine it's just as hard for him to see her looking so much like you as it is for me. Maybe it's even harder.

Can I just keep her like this forever? Safe in my arms, sleeping peacefully? I don't want to imagine her out in the big scary world. I think I'm starting to understand my mother's extreme protectiveness of us when we were children.

It never occurred to me, truly, what kind of world we were bringing our child into. Other things didn't matter to me nearly as much, because it didn't effect me. But now I feel like every time I hear about the anything in the news it's full of pedophiles, and parents mistreating their children. I feel my heart stop when I hear about school shootings, and sometimes I want to throw in the towel and say that Alice will only ever be home schooled.

I think about things I did growing up against my parents. Underage drinking, parties, people driving under the influence, friends dying in car accidents, and girls getting knocked up as teenagers. Those are only just the tip of the ice burg and I don't want Alice to be exposed to it. This is another moment when I need you here to tell me to stop being so neurotic.

Please watch over Alice while she grows up Bella, at least when I can't be there to do it.

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**Tell me mommy's, did you look at your babies and worry about any of these things? I certainly did. I also cried every time I heard anything on the news. It's not as bad for me now but some things still get to me. **


	4. Happy Birthday Bella

**Sorry it's been so long, have had oodles of in-law house guests the past few weeks taking up my computer room. This chapters a little shorter than the rest but very emotional.**

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_Happy Birthday Bella_.

Today has been especially hard for me. When I think of your birthday last year I remember it as such a special time. We had just recently found out we were going to be having a baby, and everything seemed to be perfect.

If I had known then that you would be taken from me only months later due to a brain aneurysm during childbirth would I have done it differently? Would I have insisted that you terminated the pregnancy?

It makes me sick just to think about it and I know I wouldn't have. That I couldn't have made you terminate a life inside of you just because I would lose you. But maybe I would've spent my time better with you. Maybe we could have gotten it diagnosed and treated sooner.

But I don't want to think about that today. Not on your birthday, because even though you are no longer here to celebrate your birth doesn't mean that I can't.

Charlie took Alice today. He told me it was because he knew it would be hard for me, but I really think it's his way of coping. When I look at things from Charlie's perspective I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose your child. To remember what it was like to once hold their tiny body in your arms when they were a baby. To watch them grow up and go out into the world, and then have them taken away from you so suddenly.

I cannot fathom what that kind of pain must be like. And even though part of me just wanted to hold Alice close to me all day, I know it will be good for him, and her, to spend time together on her mommy's birthday.

Instead I am laying here on our bed, wrapped in the comforter. I didn't bother to get dressed this morning and I can only imagine what I must look like. Nobody has bothered to call me or come see how I am doing today so I guess they're just going to let me have my time to grieve.

For the past hour and a half I have been laying on my side, staring at your empty pillow. I can still remember laying in this exact same pose last year, except you were staring back at me. A soft grin was on your face and your hair was wild from just waking up.

I can still recall running my fingers through the tangles, marveling at how soft your hair still felt. I wish I could run my fingers through your hair now. That you would grab my hand like you had, and pull it down to your lips where you teased my fingers with soft kisses.

Closing my eyes I can still hear your laughter when I had pulled the blanket over my head, disappearing beneath it as I kissed my way across your collarbones. Your skin always smelled so sweet. You were always so soft. The exact opposite of my own rough exterior.

Our limbs were tangled together, your cold toes pushing up against my shins trying to find warmth. You laughed at me when I tried to pull my legs away, tucking your head under my chin with a soft 'please?'.

"Why don't you ever wear socks to bed?" I had asked you more teasingly than serious. Even though every morning you did wake up with ice cubes attached to your feet.

"Because you would miss this." You whispered back to me, running your hand across my chest.

I had no idea how right you would be. What I wouldn't give to have your tiny frozen toes pressed up against me just one more time. I wouldn't even pull away from you I just want to have those times back for just a moment.

The room seems to grow darker, and I open my eyes to see that the sun is starting to set. As much as I would love to stay in our bed well into the night I know that I can't. I force myself out of bed, walking on weak knees to the first of many birthday's without you.

Trudging out to the balcony of our room I plop down into the chair, wrapping the blanket tightly around my shoulders. Despite the safe haven of the blanket I can still feel the cold bite of the metal against my skin. It is our tradition to watch the sunset on the close of every birthday.

"Isn't it beautiful?" I can almost hear you whispering, while I watch the sun disappearing behind the clouds as it makes its descent into the earth.

I close my eyes again, trying to hold onto the memories of the past. I'm not ready for this day to be over, instead I am willing it to be an entirely different day. When I finally concede that I can't my mind tries to recreate the feel of your fingers across my chest as you leaned down behind me, your chin resting against the top of my head. My hand moves up instinctively reaching for yours only to be met with my own cold skin and emptiness.

I don't even try to hold back the tears that are starting to prick behind my eyelids.

Opening my eyes I can see that purples and reds are splashed across the sky. Maybe it is beautiful to someone somewhere, but today I can't see it. Before the sun can completely disappear I am heading back inside, the pain too much for me to bear any longer.

When I fall onto the bed my eyes close in anguish and I wish I could disappear among our blankets. My hand grabs at the skin above my heart, trying desperately to find some release for the hurt. When the sobs finally come I feel like I am smothered. The heat of my own breath and tears engulf me beneath the fabric, so much so that I am finally forced to poke my head outside of the blankets, the cold air assaulting me, almost instantly drying my tears, but I can still feel the jagged lines they have cut across my skin.

Reaching across your pillow I pull the picture that had broken to me, the glass since replaced. Running my fingers over your face I feel the sobs welling up inside of me once again. I don't want to forget this, to forget you.

"I miss you."

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**Thanks for reading as always.**


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